Story...

I should add, there will be one more baby here this summer....Sweet baby boy Head, we can't wait to meet you.

This is when we used to meet for lunch and talk....now we rotate houses and take care of our babies.

So this is what I got to share last Thursday at MUMs. So thankful for the invite to come back to that wonderful group of women. Tomorrow, I am planning on sharing a post about Cupcake Cones....complete with pix. They aren't the prettiest, and I won't know how yummy they are (no sweets until Easter), but Colin said they tasted great!

As Kylene said, my name is Emily Stout. I am the proud mom of Camden Stout, and no, my husband isn’t an international model, but he is pretty awesome.
I have known I was going to be here for about 6 weeks. I have prayed about what God wants me to speak on, and just really asked Him to use me and my story for His glory. I want to take you back five years ago when Colin and decided to start trying to have children. You need to know that my personality is wired so that I plan….I struggle with letting God lead. I like control, and I like to know what is next….pretty much the opposite of what faith is. So, after being married close to five years, my plan was to be a mom. Little did I know that this was something I had absolutely NO control over, and would be one of the most painful times in my life. I had to keep reminding myself of God’s truth.

Romans 8:28 (New Living Translation)
28 And we know that God causes everything to work together[a] for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Colin and I would go to appointment after appointment, ultrasound after ultrasound, procedure after procedure and come out broken hearted because we were not pregnant. We are blessed to have an amazing Christian doctor who would pray over us, speak scripture over us and remind us each time God was the opener and closer of the womb. After a year and half and three IUI’s coupled with clomid (which is from the Devil)…we were referred to specialist. At this point, I decided to start blogging about our story and I found two women who were also battling infertility. We started meeting in public places and I remember our first meeting at Panera, knowing we would have to meet somewhere less public because of the tears. It was so comforting to be with friends, women who knew how hard it was every month to start your period….and would help me see the hope in the situation. Our question before leaving would always be “what’s the hope, the next step?” They helped me see the hope…..one of my favorite quotes is below…

We absolutely need God, and we also need each other in order to live a free and productive life

We met with our specialist and he told us that we have a 1/500 chance in getting pregnant on our own, and that IVF would be our best chance of ever conceiving. We took a few weeks to pray, seek wise counsel, and talk through the expenses. (Share story of Nana in Hospice thinking I was preggers…and then she ultimately paid for Camden).
IVF is such a gift, and through the process we ended up with our precious son, Camden and three precious embryos to freeze (Chilly, Willy, & Lilly). Camden will be two in April, and we always knew we would want to have a sibling or three close in age. This past fall we decided to do our FET (frozen embryo transplant)….tell story about calling specialist for frozen babies…and instead of blogging through this adventure to only tell a few people and surprise our family and friends. I started patches and progesterone in late November and implanted two sweet embryos in mid-December, one little baby didn’t make it (Chilly). For the next ten days I struggled with the possible change of adding another baby to our family…again I like control, not a big fan of change, and couldn’t imagine how I could love another child as much as I loved Camden. On December 22nd I took a home test and saw two lines, at the moment I saw those two lines, I was in love. I knew I could love another child….and God showed me I really did want another child. On December 23rd, I went into the lab to have bloodwork done and to confirm my pregnancy with Stout #2. I was convinced it was a girl and had named her Evelyn Rose after my Grandmother (I told you I was a planner)….I called the specialist later that afternoon and the nurse told me to come in the Monday after Christmas to redo my bloodwork since my count was low. At this point, I wasn’t concerned at all. I just knew we had hit the ball out of the park when we did IVF with Camden and that there was no way this time wouldn’t work. So, for Christmas we made ornaments for our family that said “Big Brother.” We videotaped everyones reactions and celebrated this sweet new life. It was so fun surprising everybody this time around. On Monday, I went back to have blood drawn and then decided to grab breakfast with my mom, dad, SIL, and Camden at Cracker Barrel. Unfortunately before being seated I got a call from the nurse and she told me that we had lost the baby. I didn’t know what to think, I felt guilty for fearing change, and ultimately another child. I sat down in the middle of Cracker Barrel and just cried. I went to the car and called my husband, went back into the restaurant to tell my mom and dad and then drove to my friend Nakada’s house. My mom and dad were so sweet to keep Camden over the afternoon so that I could have some time. I wrote the following the week I lost the baby…

I don't know where to start with the post....I am so thankful for IVF, to me it gave me one of the best gifts I have ever had. So, I guess when we went in for round two, I got cocky, I knew it would work. It had to, we knocked it out of the park the first time with our little guy. We had three embryos, that I just knew would give us another child. Since yesterdays phone call I have gone through so many emotions....sadness, guilt, relief, confusion, and anger. I am so sad, because according to Dr's, Colin and can't get pregnant on our own. Now I believe in God and know He can work miracles...but for now I am sad because medically speaking, this just wont happen for us. I am guilty because I really didn't want to go back for those little embryos. I dreaded the thought of pregnancy and change. I feel terrible now knowing that I dreaded those three little guys, and now they won't be. I am a little bit relieved for the fact that I don't have to worry about another pregnancy with bedrest, I am content with my sweet boy. I am relieved that I won't have another 3-6 months of sleepless nights, or change. I am confused, because as I write why I am relieved, I still have a small desire for sleepless nights, and a sweet baby who lays on your chest with their legs wrapped up under their butt. How can I want both things in the same breath? I am finding myself with a twinge of anger....just mad. Don't know why, I just am mad. Then I cry, I hate crying. The gift of IVF has me forever grateful. I get to wake up with a spunky 20 month old and watch Elmo, play in the snow, eat frozen waffles, and dance. IVF is also tricky because you know SOOOO much sooner that you are pregnant. I knew within days of implanting the embryos that I was pregnant. If Colin and I had conceived on our own, we probably never would have known that I was pregnant for those two days, and I wouldn't be brokenhearted. I am thankful that God has those sweet little embryos and He sees the bigger picture. Although we were just a few weeks along, I still believe I will see those sweet babies one day. Thank you God for staying close.

Isaiah 41:5-10
You are my servant, I have chosen you and not rejected you. Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with MY righteous right hand.

Soon after losing our baby, I found myself in a staff meeting here at church. We were given the opportunity to pray and encourage one another. My friend Brandon came to me and gave me these words….

“There are future blessings in store” a word of encouragement and of expectation – that you can get excited and expectant for the future – God’s moving and planning to bless in the future!The Scripture I got was: 1 Corinthians 5:7b-8: Christ, our Passover Lamb, has been sacrificed for us.8 So let us celebrate the festival, not with the old bread of wickedness and evil, but with the new bread of sincerity and truth.

Between tears I felt like telling God really? Really? Blessings, what does that mean? Pregnancy, that’s it, it has to be I will get pregnant. Then I was reminded that God is in control and He probably had different plans then mine and I needed to let go…..I needed to heal, and no know matter where I am He loves me, and can carry me through. I left that meeting with HOPE, I left knowing that His ways are higher and better than anything I could ask or imagine.
A few weeks passed and I still found myself incomplete. I didn’t know how to act, I didn’t know what to say. I found myself extra anxious about myself and Camden. I wanted to create a hedge of protection around Camden, I couldn’t bare the thought of losing him. Then I was reminded of God’s word…and I still have to claim this daily.

Philippians 4:6-7 (New International Version, ©2011)
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus

Well, I think I figured out my blessing…..God has called me back to the classroom. He has given me 10 two year olds next year (including my own Camden) to teach, love, and nurture. I have been blessed my friends…..I have been called to love and that is what I plan on doing. They may not be my own, but I will treat them as my own. God has given me responsibility to be Jesus in their little lives. I still worry, I still have questions, and I am still sad. However I know two things for sure….

God is the same today as He was yesterday….and He loves me as His precious child.

I can’t worry about things I can’t control, I need to embrace each day that He has given me. Take every opportunity to love others as He loves me.
I found this poem in a book I am reading and thought it would be a great way to conclude this part of my story.

Today
There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.
One of these days is Yesterday with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control.
All the money in the world cannot bring back Yesterday. We cannot undo a single act we performed; we cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone.
The other day we should not worry about is Tomorrow with its possible adversaries, its burdens, its large promise and poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.
Tomorrow’s sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds…but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in Tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.
This leaves only one day…Today. Any man can fight battles of just one day, it is only when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities…Yesterday and Tomorrow that we break down.
It is not the experience of Today that drives men mad…it is remorse or bitterness for something that happened Yesterday and the dread of what Tomorrow may bring.
-Author Unknown

Thanks for listening to me, and please know I would love to pray are chat with you all. I can give you my email if you have questions.

Habakkuk 1:5 (New Living Translation)
The Lord’s Reply
5 The Lord replied,“Look around at the nations;

look and be amazed![

a]

For I am doing something in your own day,

something you wouldn’t believe

even if someone told you about it

When I look at the two pictures above, I see this scripture come to life.