Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Posted by Em at 2:09 PM
*Sell all baby stuff
*Buy a new bedroom suite for the other bedroom
*talk to SCC about the possibility of a full-time position when Camden is in school (this is a 3-4 year step)
*go on a really nice Disney vacation
*pick out Camden's big boy bedding
*worry about losing Camden
*I also tend to want to spend a whole lot of money when I am stressed or anxious (note to self, cut up credit cards)
*I am sure there are more...
Some of these plans I don't like...like the last one. With the loss of Chilly, Willy, and Lilly and the hope of a second child (which I do believe if God wanted us to have another one He would do that, I am just venting a bit), I have become really protective and anxious about losing Camden. I find that this isn't fair or fun. I want to enjoy being his mom, not worry day to day if he will fall and get hurt or even worse. Do you guys think I need to up my crazy pills yet? Hoping this blogs get more fun. I guess today, I feel nutty. I can only imagine what God thinks of my plan.
Posted by Em at 1:48 PM
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
The gift of IVF has me forever grateful. I get to wake up with a spunky 20 month old and watch Elmo, play in the snow, eat frozen waffles, and dance. IVF is also tricky because you know SOOOO much sooner that you are pregnant. I knew within days of implanting the embryos that I was pregnant. If Colin and I had conceived on our own, we probably never would have known that I was pregnant for those two days, and I wouldn't be brokenhearted. I am thankful that God has those sweet little embryos and He sees the bigger picture. Although we were just a few weeks along, I still believe I will see those sweet babies one day. Thank you God for staying close.
Friends, thanks for the prayers and all the messages, calls, texts, and cupcakes. I feel SO SO loved. We believe God has the best plan...we will trust in HIM!
Posted by Em at 1:02 PM
Monday, December 27, 2010
Camden and I woke up and used our new toaster to make some really good Kroger brand blueberry waffles, and then went to pick up my mom to go get my bloodwork done. I am so thankful she knew about the pregnancy and could go along with me. The process was quick and painless, and i needed to stay busy for two hours so....we went to Sams and then Cracker Barrell. We met my dad and Aunt Whitney at the barrell for what looked to be a delicious morsal of food. (We also ran into the Breaux family, which is always nice....)
I found a sweet deal on some decorative plates and when I was taking them to my car noticed Gale had called me with my results. At that point mom, dad, Cam, and Whitney had been seated and I decided to call Gale back. Mistake one....went back into the CB to call Gale. Gale was so, so sweet but she told me that my levels had dropped considerably, to the point of negative and that I was no longer pregnant. Mistake two....sitting down in the middle of gift shop, on the phone, crying. She told me we could come in and meet with Dr Akin and discuss what he thought may have gone wrong,and we could do another cycle, all things that were entering in one ear and going straight out the other. She said that the embryos had implanted at one point, but some how didn't stick. I told Gale I would have to call her back to set that up. I didn't know what to think or do so.. I went out to the car to tell Colin the news. There is something about marrying your friend in times like these. He knew what to say, he let me cry, and he is just perfect. So thankful for him. Mistake three....going back into CB to tell my mom, dad, Whitney, and Camden I lost the baby, and I need to leave...I just wanted to be alone. I just didn't know what to think or do. So I traded cars with my dad (who is crying...so sorry). Mistake four....walk back through CB and run into one of our friends who did a lot of work on our old house...hug, and melted down, so sorry Chuck. My emotions were crazy.
I am thankful that my mom and dad took Camden for the afternoon, I went to Nakada's and she loved on me, encouraged me and gave me the hope that God does know what He is doing. Even when I am devastated, and not knowing what to think, He does. I am at the point now, where I feel bad that I even dreaded going back for Chilly, Willy, and Lilly. I dreaded the thought of pregnancy, and I dreaded the thought of change...but now, I dread not being pregnant. I am sad that I may not have a little baby again. I want to sell all my stuff that I organized in my garage for baby number two. Not that I dont have hope that God will give us another child, but because I just want to get rid of it. I don't want to see it....I want to focus on the sweet GIFT of Camden, and as far as I can see right now, we are family of three (and sampson).
So we had an amazing Christmas, we continue to thank God for the plan He has for us. We will continue to praise Him, and trust Him. I just feel a little broken right now...and that's OK. God has all the pieces.
Posted by Em at 12:23 PM
Saturday, December 25, 2010
So....baby number 2, you are so very loved. We can't wait to meet you, and know your name. Until then we know who is creating you, and we trust in Him. Please pray for us as we start this wonderful journey again.
Posted by Em at 7:38 PM
Posted by Em at 6:58 PM
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Today (december 22nd), Mom, Dad, Mac and Whitney came over to celebrate my birthday. We did carryout from Malones and cake. We finished dinner and then Camden took Mac and Whitney the present, and they were thrilled.
So...tomorrow night we will probably tell Colin's family, and then it will be out. Praise God for this story. I am so thankful that we have this opportunity to LOVE another child. Please pray for us as we walk into the pregnancy. That I can be a good mom to Camden, a good wife to Colin, and enjoy this. I am so, so thankful for these embryos in my belly. (By the way, go in for bloodwork tomorrow, then I will have an ultrasound in January to see how many we are talking about.
Best Birthday EVER!
Monday, December 20, 2010
This past October while on our awesome cruise, Colin and I had a discussion, in the ocean, with KJ (lucky guy) and decided that it was time to go back and get our sweet little embryos, fondly known as Chilly, Willy, and Lilly.
When we arrived home from our awesome vacation, and I called Dr. Akin. I felt so stupid when the receptionist answered, because there are technical terms for what we are doing, however I just shouted out "we want to come in and get our frozen babies!" The receptionist is the sweetest, and she just laughed and said the technical term is FET, frozen embryo transplant, and I replied, "that's what we want!". She transferred me to my friend Gale, and I had to leave a message. Of course Gale called back when I was in the car with my sweet momma.....whom we wanted to surprise (along with the rest of our family and friends). So I am just listening to Gale ramble off all these instructions, really wanting to ask a ton of questions.....and decide that I will just have to call the following day....(mom, I was dying to tell ya....probably everyday since we started).
I called Gale back and she said that this time, no injections just patches. I had to start the patched according to my cycle, and at some many days of patches I would go in to see my friend Dr. Akin and he would let me know if it was a go......My sweet, sweet friend Nakada happened to be at SCC dropping off Sophie and Riley the same time I dropped off Camden the morning of the appointment and offered to go with me. I was totally appreciative and thrilled she wanted to come with me (not to the ultrasound of course). We got coffee and just talked through what this meant....three embryos, triplets. "Are you ready for the possibility of three?" In my head, I have always struggled with the thought of even having one more child. My pregnancy with Camden was full of bedrest....and I don't know how that would work with a almost two year old....then I was reminded of "If....(I have triplets, twins, bedrest, no baby...), GOD!" No matter what, this is God's story, child, and He is in control.
Don't worry I have to remind myself of that every hour. So on Tuesday, Dr. Akin gave us the go ahead. He said everything looked great, and asked how many we wanted to defrost (again, not technical term)....Colin and I decided we would implant all three. We implanted three with Camden, and that gave us a 70% chance of one. We had also heard that 1/3 of the embryos coming out of the freezer would not make it...so we were looking at it possibly only being two. (is this making any sense?) Dr. Akin said we needed to be back at the IVF lab the following Tuesday, 9:00 for implant.
Nakada and I celebrated in the car and worked out a plan to get Camden to school early on Tuesday. She would meet me there in the concourse and feed the kids so Colin and I could get to the lab on time. However, it was a snow day so....plan B....we took Camden to Nakada's at 830ish (845ish) and Camden had a playdate with the twins and Jordan and Stef joined them. As Colin and I dropped off our little guy, we were honestly in a little tif because we were running a wee bit behind. He wanted to prepare a breakfast feast before our big appointment. I am all about a schedule and my lovely hubs is all about flying by the seat of his pants. So we were working through our timing and late arrival, and the fact that my emotions were extremely high. What if we do get pregnant, can I be a good mom, will I be able to LOVE all of these kids, will Camden fell left out....I really like our life right now... That's where my sweet hubs comes in....he kept encouraging me that this whole thing was out of our hands...that God was writing this story and I had to let go!
As we walked into the IVF lab, it was surreal. We had been driving by for the last few years saying hi to Chilly, Willy, and Lilly....and now they were ready....they weren't go to be there anymore after we left. That hope....that the possiblilty to become pregnant was not going to be there anymore after that day. We went back to our room to get ready and Dr Akin walked in to tell us that two of the three embryos had survived. Whoa...that was a little blow, we lost Chilly. I was a little relieved that we probably wouldn't have triplets, but still sad that our little embryo had not come through. BUT, we had Willy and Lilly, and we were giving them a chance at life within minutes. Dr Akin, was wonderful. So encouraging and kept saying we hope that you have an extra special gift this Christmas. As we sat and waiting for 15 minutes....Colin and I just talked about the future...the many different possibilities and were so thankful that we know God. That we trust God, and that we don't have to worry, HIS plan for our family is best.
That was Tuesday, December 14th and here I am on Monday, December 20th (three tests later) and tonight we finally had a very, very, very faint positive. I am going to my internal med doctore tomorrow for a head cold and going to ask her if she will do some bloodwork, to confirm. My test day isn't supposed to be until Thursday, December 23rd. Some things I have had to do over the past few weeks.
*Not tell my mom and dad (horrible, hard, and I share so much with my mom and dad, and I know that this will be worth it. I have made some ornaments to give our families on Christmas day to share the news. Camden is going to give it to them (and show Pam, Mama and Papa on skype) Christmas Day. (I will show a picture later)
*Come off my anxiety meds...this has been quite the ordeal, my body is doing crazy things...I know it will be worth it in the end, but oh my word, I am in withdraw as they say.
*not really talk about this with many people..you know that ain't my personality
*Pray....for God's will to be done.....If I am pregnant, then God.
I will continue to make posts and pulish once the secret is out, I just know that I will want this journey documented.....
SO SURPRISE.....now I LOVE surprises!
Monday, December 13, 2010
Posted by Em at 8:30 AM
Friday, December 10, 2010
I am having to email pix from facebook in order to save them on my laptop, to put into my blog. I am going to go to the apple store after the holidays because I know there has to be an easier way....I am just technologically challenged. Here are pix of the set up we had for Thanksgiving this year. Check out the pix on facebook.
Posted by Em at 2:18 PM
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
In my book Let Go by Fenelon (I guess he is a greek god), I read the first letter today. Of course, God spoke and I am listening...
"The good that comes from any experience of personal weakness is the realization that God wants us to be lowly and obedient."
So....I am your servant Lord, use me.
Posted by Em at 5:42 PM
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
I got to spend the weekend with some of my dearest friends. Leann, Lauren, and I drove up to Cincy for some shopping, sleep, and mommy time. It was a weekend of some great deals, but more importantly lots of laughs. We are all in a life group together (along with our hubs) and we realized that we have been together almost 6 years now. We try to be consistent, but it is just hard when we are trying to be wives, mom's and work. I treasure the time I get to spend with those lovely ladies....
This week kicks off Christmas parties and such. We have something every night this week. I am looking forward to the days when Colin gets to come home from work, sit by the fire, and hang as a family. I think that he may get a couple of days off...that may be wishful thinking.
Camden is hilarious, he is really starting to chat and repeat everything. It is awesome. He has a Little People Nativity scene and he loves "Sesus," really he likes to pick him up and throw him at me. I have been clocked twice right between the eyes with "Sesus" (makes me wonder if he is trying to tell me something :)
Hope to be more consistent in posting. I thought I was on a roll, then the plague hit the house. Sorry
Posted by Em at 1:39 PM
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
*I love that i get to wake up every morning with the most amazing man. He is an encourager, entertainer, and simply so supportive of his crazy wife. He knows what to say and do, and I have fallen even more in love with him each day. He is an active loving dad...and his little boy thinks he hung the moon.
*Speaking of my little boy....what a gift. I LOVE that I get to be his mom. He makes me laugh, cry, and crazy. I wouldn't change a thing about what he has brought to my life. Right now he has this boisterous fake laugh that cracks me up. He goes around the house and puts his hands on his knees and then just belly laughs. He is a happy baby boy....not really a baby anymore.
*speaking of babies...I am thankful that God provided us with three more embryos (currently on ice). We have the opportunity to try and have another child in the future. We are praying that God protect those sweet little lives, and give us direction in when it is time to go and "try" again.
*I hope by reading my blog, you see how much I love Jesus ("Sesus" according to Camden). He is all I need, and everything else is an abudant blessing.
*I LOVE my family. I am so thankful that we are close and chat or see each other everyday. I am so thankful for my Texas, St. Louis, Chicago, and Florida Fam...we may not get to chat or see each other day, but I am forever grateful for our texts, emails, cards (Mama and Papa just sent one the other day with $1 and gum). We are so lucky.
*House...we love this beautiful home and the roof it provides over our head. It is a home...and we are so thankful for the protection it provides us from the heat, cold, snow, and rain.
*I love music...I listen to music all the time. It helps me focus and worship throughout the day. My favorite CD right now is the Chris Tomlin Christmas album.
*I love showers at night....I feel clean and refreshed when I wake up (never thought that would be me...but this is where I am now)
*Love coffee in the morning with sugar and milk (sometimes hot tea)
*Friends, I have some amazing....amazing....amazing friends. Couldn't walk through life without them.
*Craigslist...always looking for a good deal
*SCC..I love that I get to work, and Camden gets to go to school there. It is an amazing team that I am a part of.
*Surprises. I love them, I love to surprise people more then I love being surprised
*Candles...they help my house smell good and I always have one lit when I am home.
*Elmo...he helps entertain Camden while I cook dinner at night.
*Blog..I wish that I spend more time writing here, when I look back at our journey to becoming parents it reminds me of God's hand at work during the good and bad times.
*sweet tea..might be addicted
I am rambling and have the right to keep adding...I just have so much to be thankful for, hopefully the ability to upload pix will be added soon!
Posted by Em at 12:36 PM
Monday, November 22, 2010
I am so thankful for these bad boys...especially when my boy was sick and I was doing 2-3 loads a day)
Posted by Em at 1:21 PM
Sunday, November 21, 2010
I don't know what your fear is, but I do know.....
Philippians 4:6-7 (New International Version)
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus
Ephesians 2:10 (New International Version)
10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Proverbs 3:5-6 (New International Version)
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.[a]
God promises to use us...He has a plan. We must trust Him in all things, pray, and stand true to His promises. So, what has helped me? Lots and lots of prayer. Great conversations with good people, acknowledging these lies Satan has told me. Honestly, medicine....I think it is OK to take meds, they along with prayer help balance me out. And, most recently this.
"If I die, then I will be with God forever"
"If I get cancer, then God will hold my hand"
"If my parents get sick, God"
"If I lose Camden or Colin, God"
You see IF anything, God IS! He always will be. I may have to be scraped up off the ground IF those happen, but GOD will use me. God will be with me, God will NEVER leave me.
James 1:2-4 (The Message)
2-4Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way
This may be too much, but I needed to get it off my chest. If I didn't, God would still know. Love you guys.
Posted by Em at 12:11 PM
Saturday, November 20, 2010
I LOVE Thanksgiving. I LOVE hosting Thanksgiving. I LOVE decorating for Thanksgiving. I LOVE everything about Thanksgiving. Fried turkey, family, friends, veggies galore, and desserts and more! I just LOVE it! We are hosting a party of 26 this year and I promise to post pix of the decor and spread. All the rental equipment is delivered on Wednesday when I get off work....so I will be in the zone Wednesday night. We also have a tradition of "preparing" the turkey's the night before. I just LOVE it! I can't wait......Above are pix of last years festivities and decor....they helped refresh my memory...and get me really excited about this year. Sooo...Happy Thanksgiving week! I LOVE Thanksgiving! So much to be thankful for..
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Well friends, I did it! I saw a recipe on TV and I tried to make it here at home (I would really like some assistants who put all the neccessary ingredients in cute bowls for me), and it was SUCCESSFUL....really good! I am bragging, I am not a good cook, and this was good. It has inspired me to look for other recipes and try to cook them. (right now I am leaning towards a chocolate chip cheese ball...no cooking required and it has chocolate).
Posted by Em at 1:53 PM
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
So, what do I do on my first free Tuesday morning from 9-12? I worked out with my friend Nakada....I am going to be sore tomorrow for sure. I went to the pharmacy, used a gift card to buy myself a cup of coffee at Starbucks, and went to the grocery. I know, don't be jealous, but to do all those things without having to keep up with a little person was so, so nice. When I got home, I unloaded the car without worrying about where the dog and Camden were while I left the garage door open. I put everything away, and it stayed in its place....and I found two new recipes I want to try for dinner. I will put a link to them....the first is oven fried chicken and the second is butterscotch black pepper carrots. I will let you know how they turn out. I can't decide if I am going to make them tonight or tomorrow....but I never, ever, ever get excited about cooking...and I must admit, I am a little excited!
I have also been falling more and more in love with Esther. This study is so good, and I love the people that I am walkin through the study with too. More on that tomorrow. Happy rainy Tuesday all.....
Posted by Em at 11:10 AM
Monday, November 15, 2010
Posted by Em at 8:31 AM
Friday, November 5, 2010
Posted by Em at 3:19 PM
Thursday, October 14, 2010
7 Fools are undone by their big mouths;
Posted by Em at 8:14 AM
Monday, October 11, 2010
This made me think...what if I was familiar with every character in the bible? What if I knew about each person's story? I am that girl who when told to look up a certain book in the bible, I immediately begin to sweat and then look at the Table of Contents. I don't want others to see that I don't know where certain books are (I know Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Romans...and about where Ephesians and Phillipians are). I am grateful that they put the verses on the screens in big church, by the time I get to them in my bible.....let's just say the sermon is over. I have a paperclip where Esther is in my bible, so during my study it is really easy to locate my girl.
So, back to my point. I want to make an effort to spend more time in the word. To really get to know the people in the bible. To know the stories. Hopefully, Esther is my starting point.
Posted by Em at 10:24 AM
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Posted by Em at 1:04 PM
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Posted by Em at 6:54 PM