I don't know where to start with the post....I am so thankful for IVF, to me it gave me one of the best gifts I have ever had. So, I guess when we went in for round two, I got cocky, I knew it would work. It had to, we knocked it out of the park the first time with our little guy. We had three embryos, that I just knew would give us another child. Since yesterdays phone call I have gone through so many emotions....sadness, guilt, relief, confusion, and anger. I am so sad, because according to Dr's, Colin and can't get pregnant on our own. Now I believe in God and know He can work miracles...but for now I am sad because medically speaking, this just wont happen for us. I am guilty because I really didn't want to go back for those little embryos. I dreaded the thought of pregnancy and change. I feel terrible now knowing that I dreaded those three little guys, and now they won't be. I am a little bit relieved for the fact that I don't have to worry about another pregnancy with bedrest, I am content with my sweet boy. I am relieved that I won't have another 3-6 months of sleepless nights, or change. I am confused, because as I write why I am relieved, I still have a small desire for sleepless nights, and a sweet baby who lays on your chest with their legs wrapped up under their butt. How can I want both things in the same breath? I am finding myself with a twinge of anger....just mad. Don't know why, I just am mad. Then I cry, I hate crying.
The gift of IVF has me forever grateful. I get to wake up with a spunky 20 month old and watch Elmo, play in the snow, eat frozen waffles, and dance. IVF is also tricky because you know SOOOO much sooner that you are pregnant. I knew within days of implanting the embryos that I was pregnant. If Colin and I had conceived on our own, we probably never would have known that I was pregnant for those two days, and I wouldn't be brokenhearted. I am thankful that God has those sweet little embryos and He sees the bigger picture. Although we were just a few weeks along, I still believe I will see those sweet babies one day. Thank you God for staying close.
Friends, thanks for the prayers and all the messages, calls, texts, and cupcakes. I feel SO SO loved. We believe God has the best plan...we will trust in HIM!
2 comments:
Emily,
May God bless you deeply and overwhelmingly through this hard time. I can't even imagine what you must be feeling. But know (and I know you do) that you are SURROUNDED with prayer. You know the Lord is good always but I understand that sometimes it's just hard to feel that goodness. Thank you, Emily, for sharing your vulnerability. You are a true blessing, encouragement and inspiration. God shines through you, especially through your hard times. Again, thank you for sharing.
Also, I don't know if I should say this or not. So forgive me if I shouldn't have, but I'm saying it anyway :)
My parents tried for 12 years to have children on their own, and they were told by multiple doctors that it was 100% impossible for them to conceive naturally because of issues they BOTH had. They had my first three sisters through some sort of medical procedure, but me... I was a little miracle :). They conceived completely naturally even after the doctors said it would never happen. And let me tell you- I have my Dad's strong willed nature, stubborn-headedness and cheekbones, so there's no doubt who I came from ;).
I love you.
Friend, I love your sweet heart. Thank you for being so honest, rather than pretending. So many people are/will be reading this and will be so comforted to know that it's OK to feel that way.... i love ya, friend. Wish I had the big picture for you, but as we both know, the ONE who does is totally trustworthy.
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