Formal Living Room to Playroom

Before

After

We are just in the season of life where we wouldn't use a formal living room, but would use the heck out of a playroom. After Thanksgiving, we left all the furniture out of our front room and made it a playroom for Camden. It is so nice to have a place, without a TV, that he can mess up and call his own. Without the TV, we aren't tempted to watch our dear friend ELMO all day. Gives us a place to get all of our energy out during these long winter months. Don't you worry, we make a good mess, but we are also teaching him to clean up, so thankful for my kindergarten backround and great songs! So below is our transformation from FL to PR.

The Plan...

So today I am in planning mode. We have two problems here, I like to plan out my life, and I am not really trusting God with His plan. I thought the next step for my life was another child, now I feel like that won't happen, so I have come up with this plan.

*Sell all baby stuff
*Buy a new bedroom suite for the other bedroom
*talk to SCC about the possibility of a full-time position when Camden is in school (this is a 3-4 year step)
*go on a really nice Disney vacation
*pick out Camden's big boy bedding
*worry about losing Camden
*I also tend to want to spend a whole lot of money when I am stressed or anxious (note to self, cut up credit cards)
*I am sure there are more...

Some of these plans I don't like...like the last one. With the loss of Chilly, Willy, and Lilly and the hope of a second child (which I do believe if God wanted us to have another one He would do that, I am just venting a bit), I have become really protective and anxious about losing Camden. I find that this isn't fair or fun. I want to enjoy being his mom, not worry day to day if he will fall and get hurt or even worse. Do you guys think I need to up my crazy pills yet? Hoping this blogs get more fun. I guess today, I feel nutty. I can only imagine what God thinks of my plan.

gIVFt

I don't know where to start with the post....I am so thankful for IVF, to me it gave me one of the best gifts I have ever had. So, I guess when we went in for round two, I got cocky, I knew it would work. It had to, we knocked it out of the park the first time with our little guy. We had three embryos, that I just knew would give us another child. Since yesterdays phone call I have gone through so many emotions....sadness, guilt, relief, confusion, and anger. I am so sad, because according to Dr's, Colin and can't get pregnant on our own. Now I believe in God and know He can work miracles...but for now I am sad because medically speaking, this just wont happen for us. I am guilty because I really didn't want to go back for those little embryos. I dreaded the thought of pregnancy and change. I feel terrible now knowing that I dreaded those three little guys, and now they won't be. I am a little bit relieved for the fact that I don't have to worry about another pregnancy with bedrest, I am content with my sweet boy. I am relieved that I won't have another 3-6 months of sleepless nights, or change. I am confused, because as I write why I am relieved, I still have a small desire for sleepless nights, and a sweet baby who lays on your chest with their legs wrapped up under their butt. How can I want both things in the same breath? I am finding myself with a twinge of anger....just mad. Don't know why, I just am mad. Then I cry, I hate crying.

The gift of IVF has me forever grateful. I get to wake up with a spunky 20 month old and watch Elmo, play in the snow, eat frozen waffles, and dance. IVF is also tricky because you know SOOOO much sooner that you are pregnant. I knew within days of implanting the embryos that I was pregnant. If Colin and I had conceived on our own, we probably never would have known that I was pregnant for those two days, and I wouldn't be brokenhearted. I am thankful that God has those sweet little embryos and He sees the bigger picture. Although we were just a few weeks along, I still believe I will see those sweet babies one day. Thank you God for staying close.

Friends, thanks for the prayers and all the messages, calls, texts, and cupcakes. I feel SO SO loved. We believe God has the best plan...we will trust in HIM!

Journey of surprises (be sure you start with 1)

I have been blogging the past few weeks, but not posting, until today. Start with Surprises 1, and go to Surprised 4. We love y'all.

Surprised (4)

Welll...this past week has been quite the roller coaster of emotions. We have been on the top, and today we just road the car straight to the bottom fast. Last Thursday, when i went in for my bloodwork to confirm my pregnancy, Gale called to tell me I was indeed pregnant, but my levels were low. Typical of Frozen Embryo Transfer, but she still wanted me to come in today to make sure my numbers were doubling.



Camden and I woke up and used our new toaster to make some really good Kroger brand blueberry waffles, and then went to pick up my mom to go get my bloodwork done. I am so thankful she knew about the pregnancy and could go along with me. The process was quick and painless, and i needed to stay busy for two hours so....we went to Sams and then Cracker Barrell. We met my dad and Aunt Whitney at the barrell for what looked to be a delicious morsal of food. (We also ran into the Breaux family, which is always nice....)



I found a sweet deal on some decorative plates and when I was taking them to my car noticed Gale had called me with my results. At that point mom, dad, Cam, and Whitney had been seated and I decided to call Gale back. Mistake one....went back into the CB to call Gale. Gale was so, so sweet but she told me that my levels had dropped considerably, to the point of negative and that I was no longer pregnant. Mistake two....sitting down in the middle of gift shop, on the phone, crying. She told me we could come in and meet with Dr Akin and discuss what he thought may have gone wrong,and we could do another cycle, all things that were entering in one ear and going straight out the other. She said that the embryos had implanted at one point, but some how didn't stick. I told Gale I would have to call her back to set that up. I didn't know what to think or do so.. I went out to the car to tell Colin the news. There is something about marrying your friend in times like these. He knew what to say, he let me cry, and he is just perfect. So thankful for him. Mistake three....going back into CB to tell my mom, dad, Whitney, and Camden I lost the baby, and I need to leave...I just wanted to be alone. I just didn't know what to think or do. So I traded cars with my dad (who is crying...so sorry). Mistake four....walk back through CB and run into one of our friends who did a lot of work on our old house...hug, and melted down, so sorry Chuck. My emotions were crazy.



I am thankful that my mom and dad took Camden for the afternoon, I went to Nakada's and she loved on me, encouraged me and gave me the hope that God does know what He is doing. Even when I am devastated, and not knowing what to think, He does. I am at the point now, where I feel bad that I even dreaded going back for Chilly, Willy, and Lilly. I dreaded the thought of pregnancy, and I dreaded the thought of change...but now, I dread not being pregnant. I am sad that I may not have a little baby again. I want to sell all my stuff that I organized in my garage for baby number two. Not that I dont have hope that God will give us another child, but because I just want to get rid of it. I don't want to see it....I want to focus on the sweet GIFT of Camden, and as far as I can see right now, we are family of three (and sampson).



So we had an amazing Christmas, we continue to thank God for the plan He has for us. We will continue to praise Him, and trust Him. I just feel a little broken right now...and that's OK. God has all the pieces.

1 Thessalonians 5:15-18

16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Surprise (3)

This is the ornament that each person sees when they open their gift from Camden

So...we have told our family,

So....baby number 2, you are so very loved. We can't wait to meet you, and know your name. Until then we know who is creating you, and we trust in Him. Please pray for us as we start this wonderful journey again.

Merry Christmas! (Stout style)

This is the tradition that I want to start with our family. I want to read "Christmas in the Manger" with Camden....unfortunately he wasn't too interested. (see story below)

This was before church on Wednesday night...Colin is saying "Cheese", Camden is saying "out" (which means down)

Camden and his sweet cousin Katlyn, celebrating with the Stout family Christmas Eve Oh my word....could he get any cuter? This was during our wagon ride, see video below

Some pics and video of our action packed Christmas....The first video is of Colin and I going to wake Camden up. You can see that he wakes up like his momma...happy. (don't ask Colin). He does have his mom's ability to fall all the time, this is a trait I inherited from my mom.

The second video is of Camden walking into the toy room where he sees all his toys from Santa (Craigs list). I wanted to have a moment this morning walking through Jesus' birth, and for some reason he just wouldn't sit down. So tonight before bed we got to read through the story and sing Happy Birthday to Jesus. I really want him to understand what Christmas is truly about, Colin reassures me that he is 20 months old and t fact that he didn't want to come away from his Elmo work bench is ok.

This last video is of Camden and me riding in the wagon. Poor daddy pulled us all arond the backyard....as you can see it was totally worth it. Thanks babe

T