No fear.

I am a person who is crippled by fear. I have come a long way, I am learning when you fear you are choosing not to trust God. I am learning to pray through each time a lie surfaces, I am learnin to talk things out with friends. I am learning to trust. It is definately a process, but I do know God is bigger then my fears and he doesn't want me to live in fear. I think that these fears have kept me from living a better story. I think that I like to be comfortable, and not take risks. I fear something could happen to hurt me or my friends and family. I am learning that God asks me to "fear not" over and over and over and over. He must have known that we would struggle with fear. I am thankful for the reassurance over and over and over.

I would consider myself a homebody. I love being with people, I just prefer they come to me. Some days the thought of driving in my car makes me nervous. I love vacation, but flying scares me, and then being in an unfamiliar place is hard. I do my best to relax, and my husband makes me feel safe. My prayer recently has been to live day to day. To be thankful for that time and to soak it up. I am tired of living in fear, I want to live with Christ. I want to live a life that has no boundaries...I want to live a better story.

No fear....

get to

So....today is a big day. I am heading back to work. I am starting slow....only two days a week and a total of 8 hours. It is perfect for me...I get to go back. I am thrilled that I will be spending those two days with people. I get to listen and love. I think that this position fits my personality perfectly....people tell me I get my energy from others, and that is this job. I get to help people find answers to SCC. I will answer the phones and hopefully connect them to a need or an answer they have been looking for. (I have already hung up on one person, so hopefully that is out of the way). I also get to be the person that meets and greets. I can't wait. No worries, Camden will be enjoying his new friends at school and some extra time with Grandma and Grandaddy....if you think of me today, say a prayer that I not worry and just love. Thanks...

what a weekend.

Happy Birthday to ME!!

Aunt Kailey came all the way from Texas to celebrate!!

Presents!!

Friends

Mama and Papa came up from Florida

(professional cupcake eater)

Pondering how to tackle the cupcake

FOUR generations

love my mama

We had an action packed weekend, full of fun and celebrating Camden. After I subbed on Friday, I came home to FULL house. Mama and Papa from Florida had arrived, Colin was home from work early, and Pam, Craig and Kailey were here. Camden was crawling person to person and playing with some of his new toys. He is so very loved. Friday night we all piled in the car and had Chick Fil-A for dinner. It was fun to sit and chat with all of our family. We laughed at Camden, and all just stared at him. (What did we do before him?) He has developed such a sweet personality. After dinner we came back to the house and hung out for a bit. I was exhausted from teaching and had set up an early training session for Pam and me with KJ....so I went to bed.

Pam and I were up early (missed you Kailey), and had our workout (torture) and then ran to the grocery to pick up the last few things for the party. Around 11:30 all of our friends arrived to celebrate our sweet boys bday. (see pix). We had a few friends who were sick and missed them...but were thankful that they didn't come and get us sick :) Camden seemed to enjoy his pizza and fourth cupcake of the week. We took tons of pix, one of my favorites is the four generation picture of Camden, Colin, Pam, and Papa. It made me sad that I don't have my grandparents here for that picture. They would be so proud of our little guy and love him so much.

Saturday afternoon consisted of Camden napping and the Harford, Sindorf, Stout people laughing and catching up on stories. Mama had just won bowler of the year and we got to hear all about her recent competitions. (one of Camden's gifts was a bowling set...watch out mama you may have some competition). Before Mama and Papa left we gathered as a family in the living room and prayed together. Papa is tender, and his heart for God is evident. When he prays there usually isn't a dry eye in the room. I am so thankful for his and Mama's faith....such an example.

That evening we went to Bar Louis for dinner and Jo Beth. After dinner Pam, Kailey and I went to see the movie Date Night and the boys headed home to put Camden to bed after and action packed day. Sunday was church, shopping, and Colin's famous roasted chicken. All in all we had such an amazing weekend. I am so thankful for family. I am thankful for Camden. I am thankful for this last year.

weekend

We are excited about Nana Pam, Papa Craig,and Kailey (I had a brain fart this morning and wrote Katelyn, my neice) coming in town from Dallas. They should arrive tonight, and spend the weekend with us celebrating Camden. I have been busy cleaning and preparing for their arrival....today I need to steam the floors upstairs, blow up the air mattress, and then mulch the front flower beds. I am thrilled that they are making the long trip in just for baby Camden.

Tomorrow I am subbing at TLS in my old classroom. I love spending time with the sweet kinders and Michelle. (I am subbing for Jaci). Friday night is either a cookout or Chick Fil-A, and then Saturday is the BIG DAY! Friends and family are heading over around noon for pizza cupcakes. I can't wait to see everyone and celebrate my sweet boy. We are heading to 1010 on Sunday and then the rest of the day is up in the air....any suggestions?

Next week I start my new job and Camden is starting "school." I start my job on Wednesday where I get to answer the phones and spend time with people. Camden gets to spend Fridays with Grandma and Grandaddy. I know he is going to love school....he will have his own cubbie!!! Am I going to be dorky if I go take a picture of it? I guess it is a teacher thing.....his teachers are some of my friends from church, and I know they will love on him. He will be so happy and safe.

I am telling you all this because I may be away from the blog all weekend. I promise to post pix and thoughts on Monday....
Em

Favorite pix from Camden's first year...

Heading to the hospital....poor Sampson didn't know what was about to happen

April 20, 2009

April 21,2009

Holding our sweet little gift

April 2009 (Welcome home Camden)

Mother's Day May 2009

June 2009 (all the boys look tired)

July 2009

August 2009

September 2009 (first bite of carrots)

Happy Halloween!

Boyd Orchard

Fall Fun

October 2009

November 2009

Happy Thanksgiving!!

December 2009

January 2010 (ravioli)

March 2010

Handsome

1 year old, April 2010

His Story

April 21, 2009

21.5 in long, 7lbs

4:56 PM

April 2010

1 year old

31.75in and 22.6lbs

We had our appointment this morning with Dr. Lewis. Camden was a trooper when he got his two shots. He was a little clingy...not too keen with his new friends at the office.

So I have been reading about my story and how I can live a better life if I focus on loving others and loving God. What about Camden's story. What can I do to ensure he is living a life for Christ. PRAYER!! I pray all day long, I just know that God is with me and have learned that I can talk to him wherever I am. Sometime Camden and I pray together in the car, we also like to sing (always with the windows up). As I think about his first year of life....Happy Birthday sweet boy. I think of the part I played in his life. He is totally dependent on me and Colin for survival. He is helpless, innocent (most of the time), and so pure. I enjoy listening to him chat, and boy has he got something to say. I wonder what he is saying. Is he praying...worshipping? I am sure he is saying "thank you for my awesome mommy and daddy..."



I can't wait to stand beside him as he walks through life. I am sure I will carry him occasionally, laugh with him, cry with him and for him, and cheer him on.

I know that is how Christ feels about me :)

One year ago tonight....

As I sit here and type (I should be cleaning and preparing for our awesome guests coming in town)....I can't help but remember one year ago I was in a hospital bed hooked up to a monitor and in labor....I felt great (little disappointed that I didn't get a blizzard). Colin and I set up our ipod, unpacked and got settled. We knew we were going to get to sleep and rest up for our big day. I just couldn't keep my eyes off that little bed....that little place where Camden would make his debut. I loved to hear the sound of his heart in the monitor. I loved to feel him moving inside of me. BUT, I couldn't wait to see his face and look into his eyes, and hold him in my arms. (now I am crying). I am the luckiest girl in the world.....what a difference a year can make.

We love you so much Camden Wade Stout, you have forever changed our lives. My prayer is that we are Godly examples, that you know God and follow Him and His plans. We pray for God's wisdom all the time, it is a scary place to be....but we trust God is in control and that He loves you so much.

I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, but now he crawls around and calls me momma.

Birthday #1

We had a blast last night celebrating sweet Camden Wade. Dennis (Grandpa), Deb (Grandma), Jen, Chris, and Katelyn, and mom and dad came over for pizza and cupcakes. As I looked at Camden eating pizza and pounding a cupcake, I tried to remember this past year and our time leading up to it. I just felt so thankful, I am so happy to be Camden's mom. I get to be his mom! Whata gift. Enjoy the pix....

Weekend

We had a great weekend away with friends. We have been planning this getaway for a few months and couldn't wait to sneak away. We hit the road Friday afternoon after we all piled into my dad's suburbon. The Vandemark's, Breaux's, and Stout's were heading to Nash-phis. The car ride down was full of good belly laughs (Lauren and Leann are funny). When we got to Nashville we had some down time before we went out to Robert's for their famous burgers and even better band. The boys, being musical, love to watch and listen to this band (by the way they have a CD). Me, not being musical don't remember the name of the band, but really enjoyed the company and the food. We had a blast. I enjoy "people watching," we saw all kinds of different outfits and some great tshirts....

We got back to the hotel (free thanks to Dennis) around 11 KY time (late for me) to rest up for golf and shopping in the morning. We were up bright and early to drop the boys off for 18 holes of golf and us girls had some serious deals to shop for. We girls had a blast shopping for Lauren's baby girl and really blew our budget's at GAP. I haven't shopped for a while, so it was AWESOME! The best part was sitting on the patio at Chili's and talking. We snacked on chips and salsa (amazing) and laughed as we told each other stories of growing up and such.

After golf and shopping we piled back into the suburbon and heading to Memphis. The boys have made this same trip before and mapped out the weekend for us. We stayed right on Beale St (Beetle St) and ate at a famous barbeque joint called Rendevous. Our waiter Robert Jr has waited on Justin Timberlake! Everything comes with slaw and beans, served on plastic plates and silverware....you got ribs, pulled pork or chicken....no dessert, just the basics. They were packed and when we walked out the line to get in was down the ally. I enjoyed my meal....gave my beans to Leann....not a big fan. The boys were in "hog heaven!"

After dinner we made our way to BB Kings to find a seat to enjoy the Allstar band. They were incredible....we danced, laughed, and had a blast. The trip was so nice. We needed this time away with our friends. We missed our sweet baby boy, but knew he was happy with Grandma and Grandaddy. It was great for Colin and I, he was really relaxed, in his element. Food and music!! (I forgot my camera in the room each night, so the pix above are from my iphone)

Now we are home preparing for a week of celebrating....Camden is going to be one on Wednesday. Tonight we have our first party with Colin's family. It is going to be so fun. Promise to post pix soon.

Em

Author

"I believe there is a writer outside ourserlves, plotting a better story for us interacting with us, even, and whispering a better story into our conciousness."

Donald Miller

I don't know about you, but I am thankful that I am not the writer of my life. I have tried to write my own life many times before (and will again, I am sure), and it never leads to a good story. I know when I am being asked to do something, and it is usually uncomfortable, it is usually from God. I know when I am prompted to pray or call someone, who the prompter is. Why is it so hard to let go and let God write the words on our pages? I remember the first time I truly let God write my story was when we had our battle with infertility...I felt helpless, but always had HOPE! I knew He was in control, no matter what the result, which I am thankful is a sweet little guy sleeping upstairs. That time I also had a leading man, Colin was such a support to me. The drugs involved in IVF make you crazy emotional. Colin was always there with me each night, standing beside me as I did injection after injection. I had one breakdown one night, fear crept in, I was afraid and beginning to feel helpless, I was trying to take over my story again. I remember Colin saying, just don't do the shot, let's just quit. It isn't worth this, I love you and we will figure this out. But there was something inside me that wanted to follow through with this story God was writing....and we all know the end. God is good!

I have hope in the story that God is writing. It may not always be easy, but it is what is best. He has the most beautiful way of weaving words and characters together.

"The real voice is stiller and smaller and seems to know without confusion, the difference between right and wrong and the sublty dilineation between beautiful and profane."

Donald Miller

(as you can tell I am loving this book)

comprehension

I have never been great at retaining information. I admire people who can read a book, hear a sermon, or listen to a song and can retain and repeat the information. I am that person that makes up words to songs and my husband constantly asks, "what did you just say?" I have been reading a lot lately, and as I read I sometimes get distracted because I don't think I will remember the words or stories. So, I have started writing down words and phrases that stick out to me in a journal. I am in hopes that this will help me retain what I felt was important. I wish I had photgraphic memory....

So here are the words that have stuck out to me in my Donald Miller book....

"If you aren't telling a good story, nobody thinks you died too soon, they just think you died."

"Good stories don't happen by accident"

STORY- a character who wants something and overcomes conflict to get it

"God feels as he writes the world, sitting over planets and placing tiny people in tiny wombs. If I have a HOPE it's that God say over the dark, nothing and wrote you and me, specifically in a story and put us in with the sunset and rainstorms as through to say...enjoy your place in MY sotry. The beauty of it means YOU matter, and YOU can create within it even as I have created you."

"...all comes down to relationships"

...point of story is character transformation"

"stories we tell ourselves are different from the stories we tell the world"

Do you ever go to a party with great people and get in the car and immediately think..."what did I say? Oh no, they are gonna hate me." I have a difficult time at parties, I love people, I am an extrovert, but I typically have conversations in my head about conversations I should have had, including things I should have said or not said. Then I can't remember if I really said those things, and if I did, surely those people won' t invite me to their party again. Is that crazy? I am overthinking....I am not living in the real at that point. I need to walk in to a party and just enjoy the people, the relationships, and their stories. I am not the central character...half the time the things I think I say or do say, if followed up by a conversation, the person doesn't remember me saying it. I am very selfish.

I love that I am ultimately living God's story. He is the main character, not me. I am happy to have a part in his story, and pray that I am in the proper role from day to day. I am thankful for the characters he has surrounded me with. I just have to remember it isn't a story about me...it is a story about Christ in me and what he can do through me. I just need to stop being so selfish and try to remember the words to songs so I don't drive people crazy...

Edit

In Donald Miller's book he says, "We do get to edit life. It's a fake life, but maybe we will learn something we can apply to our real lives." In this book he is approached by two cinematographersabout making a movie about his life (a previous book he has written....does anyone know if it is Blue Like Jazz?) He is told that his life is too boring to translate from the book to the screen and that they need to build a story that when the credits roll people will feel satisfied. This made me think about my life.....what would I edit? (by no means am I making a movie, don't worry).

My first edit would definately be college. I could have had such a different experience had I been focused on what was true. I was chasing after the next best thing...out there to have fun with wreckless abandon. I don't know how my parents didn't kill me during that time (I attended 4 colleges in KY before graduating....I really missed out on true friendships because I was so selfish). I was on the fence one day sold out to Jesus the next partying. I wish I could go back and edit 18-22.

I loved high school. I had amazing friends in high school, but I was dating a boy very seriously and we were going to get married. I was so involved in that relationship that I let so many people go. Because I was so focused on this boy, I lost my friends. I don't blame them. I was only giving them 5%, while they tried to be my friend. I am sad that I don't have the connection with them now. I see on Facebook they are still really close and involved in each others lives. I would definatly focus more on friends in high school.

Middle school....I wouldn't go back there for anything!

Childhood is full of great memories. I was raised in a neighborhood full of girls. Nakomi was the place to be. I enjoyed riding my bike, playing house, Price is Right board game....and more importantly when I think back to Nakomi I feel safe and loved. My mom and dad were always around and I had no doubt they loved me. We ate dinner together as a family...mom tried to start a family game night, I think that lasted two weeks...I didn't like Chinese Checkers. If I could edit my childhood I would take away when my Grandaddy died. After his death, I started to fear death. Like really, really, really fear death. It got really bad....I feel bad about what I put my parents through during that time. They stood by me during my many "attacks" but I am sure I drove them nuts!

I am out of order now...but my 20's I think I would edit a really bad relationship. I don't even what to get into it here, but I am so thankful that I got out of it, and eventually met my husband. I started to really turn my life towards God during my 20's. I was so curious about faith and a relationship with God. I turned my life around, and sadly the few friends I had in college I had to take a break from. I needed to heal, be still, and focus on me. I am sad about those friendships too, they are all really close, I see it on FB. They are great people, I just wasn't good to them.

My 20's did bring me my husband, an amazing man and friend. My relationship with restored with Jesus (thank you for grace....), a marriage, a move, and so many adventures. The fear of death still rears its ugly head, but I claim God's promises (and take some meds), and can beat them. My 20's make me smile, but I do have quite a few edits.

30's brought our battle with infertility and I wouldn't change a thing. This time was priceless for Colin and I and our relationship with each other and God. It was so hard, lots of tears....but the story God wrote is one of HOPE! I love looking back at that time, knowing His hand was on us and he was with us. Plus we have a sweet, almost one year old now. Thank you God for the amazing gift of family....and Camden. I think that I hear my little man now....sorry this is so disconnected, I never claimed to be a writer.

Jeramiah 29:11

I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

Em

Story and Such

I started reading Donald Miller's A Million Miles and a Thousand Years today. It is all about your story and living a life that has meaning. When you reach Heaven you can sit down with Jesus and have a conversation about impact, truth, authenticity, a real true life lived. I don't want to go to Heaven and have a few memories I can pull that have meaning, and then sit in silence with my creator. I want to live a life of purpose. I don't want to tell him about paying off my truck, painting my garage, piano lessons, and how it took me a year to lose baby weight. I want to tell him a story of love of Him and love of other people. I don't want to focus on the earthly things, I want to focus on what HE sees, I want His eyes. I want His heart....

I have made it to Chapter two and love how Miller writes. He tends to go on these random tangents....similar to something I would do. I will keep ya posted. I have missed these early mornings, but Camden is so unpredictable these days. He wakes up anywhere between 7-8. I try to be up at 7, but sometimes only get 15 minutes of reading in and no time for putting thoughts down. Boo!! However, I LOVE my boy and he is always so happy to see me. Speaking of my family...above are some pics my friend Jackie took at Waveland for us. She is so talented. Thanks friend.

Here is a link to Donald Miller's blog and the weekend he spoke at our church:

http://donmilleris.com/ (Blog)

http://www.southlandchristian.org/media/series/donald-miller/ (Teaching)

Easter Weekend Pictures

Stout Family 2010

Aunt Whitney and Uncle Mac

Happy Easter!! (these boys are sooo happy)

Love this face...

My sweet egg set....next year I may spend a little more money on this

There they are....arent they pretty?

My four sweet decorated eggs....in fear of what could happen to them